Look at me, right? And look at the Queen.
I was never a fan until it occurred to me
how much me and Ma'am have in common.
Bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of.
And I know she's not a single parent but she might as well be.
Plus, the pair of us, we've stuck to our guns.
Her, literally, sometimes,
and flagshipped a dying breed.
Admired and despised equally.
Not for never lifting a finger - no!
For setting examples through extremity.
And whether you're a bigwig on her end, or a bigwig on mine,
you've still got your dickheads in the middle to deal with -
snip-snip-snipping at your benefits.
I mean, she can't not be looking at me and thinking,
"What's your secret, Frank?"
I got shot of my kids yonks back,
whereas she's yet to see the back of a single one.
Fine! I've had to get out of bed on occasion to make ends meet,
whereas she... She's done the whole thing from a chair.
Oh, and a drink for the lady.
Oh, sure, there's perks.
But, look at her lot - Brian May prancing about on her roof.
Now look at my lot - we know how to throw a proper fucking paaaarty!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
"Cheer up, there's people worse off than you."
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the single most
useless piece of platitude anyone can ever give you, ever.
Cos it doesn't make you feel any better, does it?
All it ever does is make me wonder
where down this never-ending line of 'worse off people' I fall?
Of course there's people worse off than me. So what?
I don't want to be comparing myself to them.
I want to be looking at the people above me.
I want to be saying, "I'll have some of what she's having, please."
I want bumping up the fucking list a bit.
Is that too much to ask?
Morning, love.
Morning.
Y'all right? Ooh, like your jammies.
Ta.
I'll square you later.
I know I might look like Geldof...!
Oops!
Hiya, love.
Fuck's sake, Lillian!
Where are you going?
School. Problem with a teacher letting the side down.
The headmaster has personally asked me to sort her out.
How you going to do that?
Tactfully. And if that don't work, violent intimidation.
Here y'are! Look what I've found.
It's a feather.
That's fucking good, that.
See if you can learn the names of some other things whilst I'm out.
A party?
A house warming for you and Letitia. Thought it would be nice.
And you're telling me now? This is my 13th birthday all over again.
I assume I can invite some of my mates, since it is for me, an' all?
If you like. Just thought you're after meeting some new people.
But of course you can.
Thought we might make it a girls'-own. What do you say?
Mum. You could have done a bit more bacon.
I didn't have any more bacon.
We're a little light on grocery funds this week.
That, and the stuff I bought for the party...
I never asked for a party!
And I will sort out the housekeeping. You'll have it Monday.
Mary-Mae! Don't embarrass your Auntie Avril!
She doesn't want charity.
Do you, Avril? She's still got her dignity.
Lillian, what are you blithering on about? What's it got to do with us?
I keep some money in there. Did I not mention it?
I probably should have started with that.
You keep the takings in a railway locker?!
Well, why shouldn't I? They're very secure, them lockers.
Probably that's why the drug dealers use 'em.
And that's probably why they're always getting raided!
You've got to help me, Kelly. I can't go to prison with this face.
I'd be catnip for all them lezzies. I'd get it meself, but...
- Yeah, how've you done that anyway? - Boweling.
Bowling?
No, love - boweling!
Right. You. A word.
How much of a cut?
Well, she reckons there's upwards of three grand in there by now.
She never counts it.
Says we can have 200 for picking it up. Cos of the risk.
See, that's the bit that's bothering us.
You're as bad! Do you really think someone's staking out the lockers?!
Daft mare watched Bourne Ultimatum on Sunday, that's all!
This big raid of hers is probably just one bloke and a sniffer dog.
Right.
I mean, I suppose we could watch for a bit.
Let's watch for a bit!
Fuck's sake, you're a grown woman! Pull yourself together.
I don't want to be fired. This job is all I've got!
Well, Banbury told me you're one of the best teachers the school's ever had.
So what happened?
Cos from what I just saw...
Year 5 could've been having a Roman fucking orgy,
and you wouldn't have batted an eyelid.
It's not that I don't care. I do.
It's just after everything I've been through.
Everything that's happened.
What do you mean? Why, what's happened?
My husband left me.
Open this door... right now.
A feller?
That's what this is about?
A fucking feller?!
He's been at it ages.
It's like he's adjusting a radio or summat.
He's scratching his arse.
No!
Is he?
He's getting fair stuck in, if he is.
Sometimes you have to.
Oh, for fuck's sake. We're being as numb as she is.
There's nobody watching them, let's just get it over with.
All right... Which one is it?
What exactly are you doing?
Trying to cover you, so nobody can see what you're up to.
- Do you know what it looks like you're doing? - What?
Trying to cover me so nobody can see what I'm up to!
Got to do this sort of thing subtle.
Shitting hell!
Well, stand in front of us!
Thought they'd be in a bag or something.
Did you? Good! Cos I naturally assumed
they'd be stuffed in like Paxo! Fucking help us!
What do you think? For the party?
The party that's two days away?
I just wanted to make sure it still fits. And you know what?
It does.
It's nice. I used to have one like that.
Mine was red.
No good for Monday though. It's a DAYHOP party.
"Dress As Your Husband Or Partner". I'm sure I said?
Parties have to have a theme these days, Avril,
It's not like back when...
Well, back when you last wore that dress.
Hang on...
Dress as your husband or partner?
Oh, right...! Yeah.
Well, let's just say if you don't have a husband or partner you can...
I don't know... Come as your dad?
Excuse me?!
Doesn't really matter, just a bit of fun. Breaks the ice.
You are not serious.
Marty, is it just me, or did that look like a lot more than four grand?
Kind of exciting, though, weren't it?
We were like... Laverne and Shirley!
Who?
Is that not right? Were they not the gangsters?
Where's the milk?
I dunno. Marty, come here, will you?
I've counted 12 grand - and that's just this lot.
She's rich?
Who knew, right? I mean, not her, obviously.
All she's expecting is a couple of stacks.
What are you saying?
I'm not saying anything.
Why? What did you think I was saying?
I don't know.
It smells like a bank, don't it?
All them notes...
all the hands that have touched them, the places they've been.
It does.
There's something... sexual about being in a bank, isn't there?
Like libraries -
the whole, "Look but don't touch thing."
It's a big tease.
We're not in a bank, though.
No...
We can, touch it all we want.
Wah!
Hey!
You been sat there all day?
No... maybe.
Been researching.
Well, you can clear off out for the evening
cos I've got a dinner guest.
What?! Who?
Mrs Tattersall.
Er, Twat-ersal? Is she still there?
Mrs Twat-ersal, to you!
And she's coming here for a home cooked meal and advice of the heart.
What, from you?!
Yeah, from me! I'm a very fucking caring person!
Well... can't I stay?
Oh, that's a good idea. Maybe you could show her your feather?
I could, couldn't I?
She'll probably know what...
Ha-ha, I get it.
Party at mine. I mean, round our Patreesha's but it's for me.
Ladies only, I'm afraid.
Karen, have you seen me glasses?
No.
"Dress As Your Husband Or Partner"?
Not my idea.
Sounds good.
Hey, you finally get to see me dressed up as you!
Hope you brought enough.
Lillian...
here.
What's all this about?
Party on Monday.
Ask some of the girls, if you like?
Oh, thanks very much.
Got a big family, has she?
Yeah.
Thank you so much for inviting me round, Mimi.
I was so sure the head had sent you to fire me.
Ha-ha!
Do you know what they call you in the staff room?
What do they call me?
Banbury's hit woman.
So, do you not get out much these days, then?
Oh, no...
me and Clive used to go out once a month, for a meal...
but now...
I'm sorry.
Eh, we'll have none of that for a kick-off!
Them kiddies need a good teacher...
you need to get your head back in the game.
Get some scran down you...
and then you and me will go out for a few.
Oh... I don't know...
I've never been much for that sort of thing.
I find it hard to let myself go.
Don't worry about that -
stick with me, I'll make a new woman of yer.
This note...
this one right here...
I earned that for her.
The things I did for that note - for all of them...
some people don't appreciate what they've got.
All right, I'll say it.
Don't. Please, don't!
- I've always wanted you to have a better life... - It's wrong!
We could just get out of here - our own place... our own actual home...
She's a friend...
She's more than a friend.
She won't even know it's missing - won't even know it's gone.
- And, if you think about it, it's a victimless crime. - No!
It's not, Marty.
It's only victimless if you don't think about it.
Then we don't think about it.
Black ball, there.
Fucking hell!
We used to have a table.
I've never seen that before. Did you see that?!
So, Ches, fancy a game?
Yeah - wouldn't mind trying me luck with Hurricane Mae, here!
Oh. OK. Sure.
Go easy on us, yeah?
I've never been here before. Is this your local?
I don't go out much. I've never been in here before.
- Hello, William! - Sorry, Miss.
I mean, you all right, Miss?
Shall I join you?
What do you think?
If she was after a chimps tea party I'd have taken her the fucking zoo.
How did you do that?
I could never even get him to stop fiddling with himself in class!
How do you know him anyway?
Mimi, party on Monday, if you're interested?
Hello!
Hello.
She's with me. She's a teacher.
Oh. Right.
Ooh! Party!
Ha-ha!
Shane, look. I found this. I think it's off a duck.
Reckon it must be nesting round here somewhere.
Right. I tell you what - you see if you can find some more,
I'll organise a press conference.
Dick.
Shane!
Y'know what? I want something a bit classier, I'm with a teacher.
I'll have a couple of them Jagerbombs.
There you go. You get to dress up as your fella.
Lucky me! So, how's it going, anyway?
I've moved in with my big sister.
Not quite the way I envisaged my life turning out.
Tell me about it.
Party!
Girls only, Frank.
What kind of party's that?
The kind that involves bras and panties,
and pillow fights, of course.
S'all right, I'll sit in the corner quietly.
You won't even know that I'm there!
A victimless crime?
Long as we don't think about it.
All right, love? What are you doing here?
I went down the station.
Oh, I'd forgotten all about that.
Forgotten?
Lillian, for fuck sake!
You can't be this casual about money.
What you earn is more than some people see in a life time.
Means nothing to you, does it?
And if you don't keep track of it, people...
people... might take advantage.
Did you get it?
Yes, I got it.
Look, Lillian, I have to say...
there was a lot more there than you thought.
Oh?
4,000. Blimey!
For you - and a little extra.
Oh. No, Lillian...
Please, please.
Thank you.
He said I'd changed, I don't make the effort any more,
he said I was like my mother.
Bastard! That's what he is!
Never used to be like that,
never used to ask me to do those sort of things in the bedroom!
I like this song, what is it?
I just miss him so much!
How many of these have I had?
We've only been here five minutes!
Oh, I better get us some more then.
Do I want to know?
It's called educational reconstruction.
BARMAN!
Off. I need to make that into a bed.
We've got a house guest for the weekend.
Why?
Cos I'm not done with her yet.
So if that's OK with you, I'll pop round and see you later then, love.
See ya.
Er, I mean... Goodbye, Miss.
Always were an ill-mannered little scrote, weren't you, Tutton?
What have you done to her?
Liberated her, Billy. I've liberated her.
But she's just like you now.
So? I'm fucking liberated, aren't I?
I don't wanna see it.
What if someone comes round?
Who's coming round?
What if someone breaks in?
No-one's going to break in. Not round here.
You don't steal from your own, do you?
We just want a better life. That's all.
That's not a crime, is it?
No, Marty.
Wanting something isn't a crime.
But stealing 50 grand from your best mate,
I'd say that were pretty fucking borderline, wouldn't you?!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...
It's all right, it's all right, just a thingy.
I want it gone.
If it were gone, then...
We should take it, take it all now,
go down to the estate agent and just...
Just what?
Jesus Christ, Marty! What the fuck are we doing?
We can't sort out a mortgage with your
barrow load of spunk-stained notes.
- Oh, no, they're all right, I wiped myself off... - Think, Marty!
They're going to ask us questions, like, "Where's it from?"
Well...
You launder it, don't you?
Oh, do you now?
Yeah!
And what the fuck do either of us know about that?!
I can sort this.
Kelly!
Mimi!
Mimi.
I'm in a bit of a rush.
I only need a minute. I wanted to ask a bit of a favour.
Well?
You see, it's a bit delicate.
Up your fucking arse! Sorry.
See, I reckon you could be the one to help.
Well? Spit it out before you have a fucking stroke.
Me and Kelly have come into a bit of money. Ripped it off!
You what?
We need to make it coup de la.
Clean, legit.
You want to launder some money?
Sh! Yeah.
And I figured since you're a...
Since I'm a what?
A business woman.
You calling me a fucking villain?
No.
I'm on the PTA, I am.
I have respected pillars of the community round for dinner.
I wear dress suits!
Can you sort it or not?
Yeah, course I can.
Good. Only not a word to anyone.
Keep it on the down-low.
Coup de la? Down-low?
You two suddenly Bonnie and fucking Clyde?
That's them!
Who the fuck are Laverne and Shirley?
Dressing up as our Brendan tonight, need something to shove downstairs.
Packed quite the moose's knuckle, our Brends.
20 Royals, please.
Hiya, flower.
Oh, very propitious.
Still owe me for the milk, you know?
Fucking here!
And the sugar.
That should be mine. Rent money.
I tell you, I've been like a whirling dervish all morning.
I've even signed back up to some of my old non-curriculars.
Mmm.
I feel like a new woman again, I really do. It's like I'm...
Liberated.
Liberated, yes.
Are you wearing make-up?
No, Miss.
Don't lie to me. Take it off now.
Well, as I'm here, I better stop at Banbury's,
pick up the keys for the storeroom.
Told him last week I'd keep on top of supplies and that.
Oh, there's no need. I've already volunteered.
Like I said, back to all my old duties again.
Supplies, admin, accounts.
Good job as well,
God knows who he had doing the books.
Full of holes, they were.
You don't say.
I'll give you a hand, then.
Oh, I think I can handle it, Mimi.
Besides, PTA shouldn't really do this. It's more of a staff thing.
Thanks for popping by.
Y'alright? I brought you some more bread.
And don't worry, I cut off all the mould.
Nice one!
Fuck d'you find this?
No, no, no, no, no!
Where are you?
Shit!
Fuck a duck!
That's very good, Avril, you look just like him.
The grey in the hair's a nice touch.
Who are you meant to be?
My dad, apparently. Who wasn't a cross dresser.
These are his cabaret trousers.
They were a bit long, so I took 'em up a smidge.
And by the way, Dad has a moustache.
Actually, the last time I saw him, he'd just shaved it off.
And when was that exactly?
- The last time you saw him? - Mum!
Get that will you, Avril?
Bound to be one of yours if they're this early.
He saw the money. I didn't know what to do!
So you knocked him out? With a plate?
You can't go round knocking people out with plates, Marty!
Oh, and there was a duck in here too.
It's all been go, really.
No!
We'll leave him by the Jacuzzi,
smash a tile next to his head or summat, I don't know.
Numb sod'll think he dreamt it.
Come on! Quickly! Before he wakes up!
Marty?
Oh, yeah. She said she'd help us move the money.
- Forgot about that. - Did you!
You all right?
15%, as discussed.
You said ten before.
And I might say fucking 20 in a minute.
18.
You know all these women, do you?
Yeah.
Are all their husbands coppers, then?
Apparently.
Oh, excuse me.
- Hiya! - Hiya!
All right?
Now then. Oh, come on!
Hey! I paid for you two up front!
I'm not made of paper towels you know!
Jamie.
Nicky.
Now then, Yoko, John's not about, I'll pass it on.
Never joke about Lennon.
I don't have those sort of contacts any more.
It's for Kelly and Marty.
And for what we're charging 'em you can make some new ones.
I'm gonna check on Cilla.
Contacts?
Don't worry about it.
Maybe I can help?
Cleaning up some money, that's all.
Like I said, don't worry about it.
And like I said, maybe I can help.
I thought you were on the level?
There's levels and there's levels.
You do realise this is...
What do they need it for?
To get a mortgage.
There you go then. It's a bit of white-collar fiddling, that's all.
You think the suits on the top floor aren't playing roulette with
everyone's accounts?
Why should it be just them?
Look, we all have the same resources
and if the Martys and the Kellys want a slice and I can help,
why not? It's practically a public service.
All right.
Least I got her back down to 16, So that's good.
Why are we doing this, Marty? Were we really that unhappy?
This is all of it?
Everything you kept back?
We were unhappy, you know.
Supposed to say we weren't. I know.
Supposed to say we had each other, and that's all that counted.
Didn't matter if we lived in a squat.
Didn't matter if you made a living sleeping with other men.
That's what I'm supposed to say, right?
I-I guess so, yeah. That's what your supposed...
Well, I can't.
I hate it.
All of it.
I hate living like this.
I hate what you do.
And I hate that I can't make it better for you, cos...
you deserve better. You do.
We both do.
And no-one's ever going to give it us.
Never.
Everybody takes something, sometime. Don't they?
It's finally our turn.
But I still need to do this.
And then...
and then we can be happy.
♪ ..for just one second
♪ You'd be back to bother me
♪ Go on now, go
♪ Walk out the door... ♪
Fuck me! Billy, is that you?
Yeah. Funny.
"Dress as your husband". He's only got two sets of fucking togs.
Cheer up, you look good. Anyway, your mate's here.
Eh?
♪ I will survive
♪ For as long as... ♪
She's proper good.
Yeah, proper.
♪ I've got all my life to live
♪ And I've got all my love to give
♪ And I'll survive
Lillian.
Going to the party. I'm our Brendan.
You not going?
The party? Clean forgot.
I was just on me way to see you, actually. See...
when we picked up your money, we carried it back in this
rucksack and we were just putting it away tonight
and there's still some in the bottom, underneath the flap thing?
So we didn't see it. But, anyway...
here you are.
Must be another two grand there? Lucky, wasn't it?
Glad I caught you anyway. Enjoy the party.
Was there any more?
In the bottom of the bag. Under the flap?
Are you robbing us?
Why didn't you fucking count it, Lillian?
You had no idea, had you? Means nowt to you, does it?
Practically fucking wallpaper.
Do you know how many blowjobs I would have to give to get
even a twelfth of what you're just stuffing away in railway lockers?
We just want a better life.
Say something.
Shout at me, call me thieving cunt.
Tell me how I've broken your heart.
Say something!
I don't think me and you's
got anything to say to each other any more. Do you?
Lillian...
♪ Dancing queen
♪ Feel the beat from the tambourine
♪ You can dance
♪ You... ♪
What do you think you're doing? She's your guest, let her sing.
Yeah, she's my guest, which is probably why you
and your mates are stood over there laughing at us.
Laughing? It's called having a good time, Avril. You should try it.
If I wanted tea in the zoo I'd have...
fucked a chimp.
More educational reconstruction?
I'll give her fucking reconstruction all right.
That's another one gone, then.
You don't half drive 'em away, don't you?
Mates. Husbands...
Oh, shut up!
At least I don't strut about like a...
a black Cher!
A what?!
At least when I lose someone, I leave them lost.
Avril. He's not lost. You know exactly where he is.
I'm sure the brewery'll give you that woman's address
if you ask them nicely.
She still works for 'em, doesn't she?
Hey!
Fuck off. Your mum started it, being a bitch.
Don't you call my mum a bitch!
Oh, God! Sorry, Mimi, but dressed like that,
for a second there I thought you were our Clive.
You what?
How many of them you had?
They're just herbal.
See? You're the spit of him in that tracksuit.
Bastard. Do you know what I wish?
I wish I'd had the guts to tell him just what I thought when I still had the chance.
Make him sorry. Make him say sorry.
Then why don't ya? Tell me, I mean.
If I look so much like the twat, pretend I'm him.
Get it all off your chest.
And I'll respond as Clive.
I always tried to be a good wife but you never...
A good wife?! Late home every night,
wasting time staying on all hours to do the school accounts, the admin!
Not even thinking about my needs.
About a man's needs. Any wonder I start looking elsewhere, eh?
A cook in the kitchen? My arse.
Like a lump of dead meat in the bedroom.
Sitting around in your long fucking nightie looking more
and more like your pig ugly mother every day.
I'm sorry, Clive. I am.
I-I can change, I swear I can change.
I'll even let you do that thing
you wanted to try with that dental chair you got.
The what?
Mimi?
Right! That's it!
Out! Everybody out!
You miss him, don't you?
I do. I really do.
Then maybe you should go to him and ask him to take you back.
Don't be too proud to beg. And I'll help ya.
You won't have to work late any more, give him more time.
That's probably all he wants.
And I'll take that silly admin off your hands, yeah?
Thank you, Mimi.
It's a pleasure.
How can I even look at her now?
How can I look at anyone?
But once the money's cleared, once we're gone...
And how long's that going to take, Marty?
Until then, I'm going to see her, aren't I? Every...
About this money of yours.
What money?
Fine, it's fine, it's all in hand.
How long?
I'll sort you out a new credit history...
should have a healthy account by Friday.
Friday? This Friday?
You mean we can put ourselves down for a mortgage this Friday?
If that's what you want, then, yes. You can do it.
This Friday.
So, basically she's returning to a loveless marriage
and an abusive husband?
Sounds bad if you say it like that.
Bottom line, kiddies get a proper teacher again
and I'm back in business.
Everybody's happy.
There'll always be casualties, whatever.
She should have paid more attention to her feller, shouldn't she?
If all you do is work, work, work,
then he's bound to get a wandering eye, isn't he?
Mimi?
You go on. I'm gonna head off home.
A party over by 9pm. I'll never live it down.
No-one knew, you know.
About her.
Best out in the open. Not good to keep pretending.
Oh! Is that right?
Yeah.
Really not good.
Do you know how much this shirt cost?
This really was like your 13th birthday.
You ruined my best top then, too. Puked up all over it.
Yeah, cos you spiked my coke.
I hadn't. I just told you I did.
You puked up anyway.
You were dead funny, so easy to wind up.
Still are.
Patreesh.
How come you let us stay here?
You're my sister.
Plus, I thought it might be a bit of company.
I'll pay for the dry cleaning.
And...
you know I said I'd have the house-keeping by today, I can't...
No rush.
Er, our maths teacher is asleep in the bath.
Yeah!
You're kidding!
What you watching?
Dunno.
Look, I know I haven't been round much of late.
Are you wearing my track-suit?
What? Oh. Yeah.
What I'm trying to say is I had things needed sorting, that's all.
But it's done now. So I'm gonna be here more.
For you and Cilla.
So I can talk to you about stuff again?
Oh, course you can.
That's a relief. Cos I've got something I really want to show you.
It's not a dental chair, is it?
What? No.
You ready?
Awesome, aren't they?
Yeah, they're great.
See the little skinny one? I named that one after you.
Oh, ta.
I tell you what...
let's go to the bedroom.
We could be gone by the end of the week.
Can we be happy now?
♪ Absolutely soaking wet! ♪
'So, you people, you ones who are supposedly worse off than me,
'what would you give to crawl up that list? Would you lie?
'Would you steal? Would you sell your soul?
'My days down there are gone. And maybe my soul is, too.
'But so what?
'Cheer up, Kelly, there'll always be people worse off than you.
'What's one more?'
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
Oh, Jamie.
Oh!
Oh, Jamie!
Oh!
Agh, Jamie!
Jamie!
Oh, that was amazing.
How was it for me?